#23 Flaw Forward. Why sharing your failures isn’t a enough. A lesson on Vulnerability.
Updated: Oct 21, 2019
TIMES HAVE CHANGED
One of my core values is authenticity. I believe that you cannot be authentic unless you're vulnerable. Over the past few decades, we've had countless self-help gurus, business leaders, authors speakers really hinge all their worth on sharing their failures and how they overcame these obstacles.
But I'm here to ask…
So what? Who cares?
Maybe it was applicable…back then. But today, we need to go deeper.
Today, we need to talk about our flaws.
People buy from people they know love and trust. People work for people they know love and trust. People buy courses; they join communities, they buy books and listen to podcasts and from people they know love and trust.
And the easiest way to get people to know love and trust you is by being vulnerable.
And being vulnerable isn't about sharing your “failures”.
I mean, these days, we wear failure as a badge of honor. Who hasn't been told the story of Thomas Edison, how many times did he fail before he invented the light bulb?
And we've all heard the story of how many times Babe Ruth had to strikeout before he set world records. That's nothing right now. I mean, great. Yes. Okay, fine. But really, is it?
It's not anything new.
CREATING ME TOO MOMENTS
You know, what's new??
Taking off the mask of approval and sharing your flaws.
That's when people connect with you. The objective is, is to create “me too” moments. I'm not talking about the “hashtag me too” movement. I'm talking about creating “me too moments”.
Me too moments happen when you're brave enough to admit, “I feel really lonely.”
Recently I did a video while I was feeling down. I was feeling depressed. I was feeling sad. And I showed up on live video. And I shared that because usually pretty “happy go lucky”. But I'm not always that way. And I don't want people to think I'm always that way. I didn't feel like doing a video, but I did it UNHAPPY.
And I said, “I feel sad. I'm having a sad day.”
Because the truth is, we're all just a bunch of humans walking around this planet wondering if everyone else is just as crazy as we are.
Are we the only ones that think these thoughts? Take it from the queen of jumping to conclusions; you're not you're not the only one. The truth is, we're all a mess. And when you can share your flaws, people instantly connect with you.
They go, “me too, I feel the same way. I feel that way. I thought I was the only one or I was too scared to say anything about it.”
And, you know, this is another thing. People will say, “Well, Dana, you just can't tell everybody that stuff or you can only trust a certain people.”
Oh, really? Since when??
I show up on live video daily, publicly, and tell you my flaws.
When people say that, what they're really saying is, “I'm afraid of people judging me.”
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not talking about being a “dumper.” I'm not saying that you should go dump, dump, dump, dump, dump your troubles on people, or be a “chronic over-sharer.”
What I'm talking about, it's just be being honest.
Just owning up to it owning up to your flaws, to your weaknesses.
“I'm an emotional eater.” Me too.
“I like to numb out in the Walmart clearance section.” Me too.
“Sometimes I feel I have really super anxious thoughts.” Me too.
WE’RE ALL FLAWED
People connect with people that are willing to share their flaws, because we ALL have them. You're not fooling anybody. You might as well get on the flaw train, it's leaving the station, because it’s THAT NEXT LEVEL.
That's what people are connecting with. And we all know that people buy from people that they know love and trust. And nothing creates a more intimate bond and trust more than admitting your flaws, not admitting your failures.
LET’S TALK ABOUT FEARS
The old school thought of “this is how I failed, and this is how I overcame it” isn’t enough. There's the time and place for that. But think of how powerful it is to say what most people aren't willing to say?
Just show up on video with your hair a mess, haven't showered. I even hate that if it’s done wrong. Honestly, sometimes I feel like people do that just to show how authentic they are. Instead, let's talk about our fears, and we all have them.
Even psychopaths have them. It's a hard-wired instinct. It's a survival instinct.
I know I bring up psychopaths sometimes because I find that they're interesting.
But recent neuroscientific studies show that even psychopaths feel fear. They just have a delayed reaction to it. They don't sense danger as quickly as most people, which explains why they're normally calm in difficult situations.
LEAD WITH YOUR FLAWS
So, my challenge to you is flaw forward. Lean in to being embarrassed. I'm practiced at it. For you, it's going to be a lot scarier, but trust me, it gets easier.
I still have those vulnerability hangovers. I still send text messages or emails when I share something very personal and I cringe after I press send because I'm wondering, “Was that too much? Did I say the wrong thing?”
You guys, this is going to change your life. It’s so freeing to not care what other people think.
And it's helpful to people, especially if you're someone of influence.
That's how not to suck. Start sharing more of your flaws, less of your failures.